Too Much To Bear Alone (Harry/Hagrid)

[Harry J. Potter]

Sometimes it felt like there was a hole in the middle of him. Empty... Desolate... He used to wonder if that was just how people felt? A normal sensation brought on by being forced to sleep under staircases in cupboards infested with spiders and other sorts of multi-legged creatures that served as better company than the eight hundred pound gorilla that used to sleep upstairs and bully him all day. And then he remembered that this was only indicative of his own life and that other people had family's that loved them and let them sleep in beds because they loved them and not because they feared they'd wake up as a toad the following morning. Who was he to complain, though? A bed was a bed. And conditions had significantly improved since the return of his mother and father... Only, in a lot of ways, that made it much worse.

So long he had become accustomed to an environment of loathing and contempt. His uncle and aunt resented him, feared him, treated him like the scum on the side of a dirty fish tank... And then, out of the blue, his mother and father come back to claim him. To whisk him to a world, a home life, he had always wanted but feared he would never have. He had a loving mother, an amazing father, and he was finally seeing what it was like to be a normal kid...

Then his father went missing. Harry had never felt so hurt in his life. It was one thing hearing about how your parents were murdered. Harry had loved them. Had always loved them. But he had only known them through stories. Accounts told through other people's eyes. Now he knew them... He loved them even more... This is why it tore at him deeper than he ever thought possible.

He had avoided the subject with Ron and Hermione. He didn't want to worry them. Knowing Hermione, she would insist he go talk to his mother or to Sirius out of fear that he would revert to his former head-to-wall banging angsty misfit... But it hurt too much to talk to them. Looking at them only reminded him of his dad. There was only one other person he trusted more than anything who could help him now.

Knocking lightly on the door and hearing Fang within scamper to his feet (did big dogs scamper?), he said, "Hagrid. It's me, Harry. Are you in. I really need to talk to you."

[Rubeus Hagrid]

Laying down on his bed, he was looking up at the ceiling. He hadn't slept much in the past few days. There was a lot going on in the Wizarding World. What bothered him was that there was nothing that he could do. It's not like he had training or learned much when he was in Hogwarts. He was expelled at the age of thirteen. Not nearly enough to learn the major basics needed. He sometimes felt that in times like these, he was just a burden. How could he help others the way he wanted to?

He closed his eyes and just began to think of anything that would stray his mind away from such impossible thoughts. He was finally drifting to sleep, his eye lids growing heavy and his body relaxing. There was then a knock on the door. However, he didn't hear it. What fully woke him up was his dog, Frang, scampering on the floor that he heard a noise. "Wha' are'ye doing, Fang?" he asked, wondering how a big dog like Fang can be such a wuss. Hagrid got up slowly only to hear a voice he recognized.

He walked over to the door and opened it to find Harry and smiled. He always loved it when Harry paid him a visit. Although, this time it seemed that Harry was troubled. He could tell, and immediately he moved out of the way and gestured Harry to come in. "Take a sea'," he said, and he pulled up a chair for Harry. "Wha's bothering ye, 'Arry? Everythin' good?" he asked.

[Harry J. Potter]

He forced a smile, but even that fell short of convincing. Harry had never been exceptionally good at hiding his emotions. It's why Voldemort had been able to toy with him so easily. At least he didn't have to worry about that here with Hagrid. He walked in, shaking the water droplets from the light rain and wiped his feet on what served as a door mat... Harry wasn't sure if it was carpet or something else. His mind told him that it was carpet and not to question it lest he hear an answer he might not like... Knowing Hagrid it could very well be something odd like the stomach lining of a magical humpback whale from the Arctic or something equally mind blowing.

"Thanks, Hagrid," he said miserably, unzipping his jacket to sit by the fire. What a question... And how to answer it without going off on a ranty tangent? "It's my dad," he said with a hollow voice. It sounded far away to his ears. "Still no sign of him. My mum keeps writing to me, telling me not to give up hope. But, Hagrid... how can I hold on to it. I lost my dad once when I was too young to remember and it made my life a living hell. Now I know him. And I'm not sure I can imagine a life or a world where he doesn't exist. I just can't help but think that this is all of my fault. If I wasn't who I was, Voldemort wouldn't give a damn about my father and none of this would have happened."

[Rubeus Hagrid]

"Now, don't blame this on yerself, 'arry. Ye didn' ask fer this teh 'appen," he said, not knowing exactly what to say. He knew Harry was the type to blame himself for certain events that happened. Granted, James Potter was taken as hostage because he's the father of Harry. But it shouldn't automatically be his burden because of it. Hagrid rummaged through his cupboard looking for his teapot to make tea. He didn't have to ask Harry if he wanted any, he was going to give him a cup whether he liked it or not. It was a cold and rainy day and anyone would want tea.

"I'd listen teh yer mum. Yeh need teh have hope in order fer things teh get be'er. Yeh can't jus' give up. Now tha's not the 'arry I know," he said, finally finding his teapot and filling it up with water. He had then placed it on the burner and waited for it to heat up by sitting down in the chair across from Harry. "Knowin' yeh father, he is a strong man. He wouldn' give up, even if he's a hostage. So you shouldn' give up on him, eh?" he said, his beady eyes squinting which meant that he was trying to give Harry a friendly and loving smile of hope. Hopefully it worked in some way.

[Harry J. Potter]

Same cookie cutter words that everybody was telling him. Be strong, your father is strong, don't give up hope. He had rather thought Hagrid would be straight with him. It was his fault. It was because of who he was. The boy who lived! Damn that title! Damn everybody who felt that he was entitled to hero worship all because his mother was a brilliant witch who used old magic that Voldemort had not been expecting! It was his mother who was the hero... He was relatively useless to Voldemort now. Why the fascination, still? Why the need to target him if he was no longer a threat and the prophecy basically made null and void?

"Maybe there is no hope," he said, not at all bothered by Hagrid's constant moving about. "Maybe there's only a fool's hope, because it would take a fool to believe that Voldemort wouldn't have killed him by now. I want to believe that he's okay, but how can that be possible? I know he's strong, but maybe he's not strong enough. If he was, he would have already gotten out of there by now. If my father were alive, Sirius would have already saved him."

[Rubeus Hagrid]

EEEEEEE!

The teapot was now hot and the loud pitch sound was letting him as well as the neighbors know it was ready. Fang jumped up and began barking at the teapot, wanting it to stop so he can go to bed. "Fang, shu' it," he said, and he grabbed a mitten and placed the teapot on a cold burner to cool down and turned off the hot one. While he was getting cups, he heard Harry say the one thing that he knew he shouldn't have said: no hope.

"No hope? 'Arry, wha' kin' of bloody thought is tha'?" he laughed with irritation seeping through and sat back down on his chair, forgetting about the cups. He leaned over and looked at Harry straight in the eyes.

"Now, if there was no hope, then yeh wouldn' be seein' ya parents again, eh? If there was no hope, yeh wouldn't have Sirius bein' around. Look. There are gonna be bad times and good ones. Take in the good while yeh fix teh bad. Righ' now, yer ignorin' everyone around yeh because of something tha's not yer fault," he said, still looking Harry straight into his eyes. He needed to let the boy know that there was still bright sides to every dark. And by now, he should have known about it.

"And don't say tha' about Sirius. Yeh know he's planning right now, eh? He hasn' given up. So you shouldn' either," he added, his eyebrows popping up at such a concept and he got up to find the teacups to pour the tea in. "Where are those blasti- Ah, here they are," he mumbled to himself and grabbed them, placing them on the table. He looked at Harry a couple times, knowing the boy was always in thought before speaking. Hagrid sighed to himself and hoped that what he said helped him- for it was the truth.

[Harry J. Potter]

"You know what I really wish, Hagrid?" he said, watching his tone so that he would not come across as rude. "I wish people would stop treating me like a child. Instead of telling me that I shouldn't lose hope, maybe they should be real with me. I understand that they mean for me not to worry, but doesn't that seem sort of pointless. He's my father. Of course I'm going to be worried. So instead of telling me not to lose hope, why not tell my why I shouldn't? Maybe that would be better."

Harry sighed. Hagrid was at least right about that. It was by some stretch of fate that his parents came back. But could the same miracle happen twice? "In my case, there are more bad times than good. You know how the say when life gives you lemons, make lemonade. Well... Quite honestly, unless life also decides to give me water and sugar, that lemonade is going to suck... And it does. Why is it that no matter what happens to me, something worse comes to cancel it out?" He shook his head. "I'm not ignoring them... I'm avoiding them. There's a difference. I know them, Hagrid. Everybody always hovers over me... Like they forget that I've been through hell and survived... Like I'm made of porcelain and am going to break."

Harry looked up at him. "I have not spoken to Sirius in a long while. I have been avoiding him, too. He has enough on his plate to have to deal with aside from worrying about his teenage god son. He has his own child to think about... So, I have no idea what he's doing for my father. The same with Lupin... I just... I can't go to them."

[Rubeus Hagrid]

Hagrid was running out of words to say. Hope was all that he could give him, but how could he help and give it to Harry when the boy didn't want anything to do with such a thing. Hagrid listened to him though. It was all he could do for the poor boy.

Sipping some of his tea, he listened. Although he wanted to stay quiet, it was nonsense for what Harry was saying. "No one is trea'ing yeh like a child. Yeh want teh truth? Righ' now, there's nuttin we can do. Bu' knowing ol' Sirius, he always has somethin' up his sleeves. He's not head of the Auror's for nuttin, 'Arry," he said, giving him a hopefully smile. And it was true. Sirius dealt with Death Eaters as his job, what would make something so different this time. "He will get yer father soon enuf," he added.

"Which is why yeh make tea," he said, lightening the mood. "Tea doesn' need anythin' but water and wha' yeh place in it. Teh happier and more hope yeh have, the calmer teh tea. Teh more negative yeh bring, teh more yer tea is black and causes yeh teh jitter. In this case, yer tea is black."

Hagrid sipped more of his tea and looked at Harry who didn't even touch his. Why was he acting like this? In all the years he's known him, Harry would never lose faith but instead do whatever he can to try and save the day because he knew the truth. And somewhere inside Harry, there was the truth. He's just blocking it because he doesn't get hurt. "When I firs' met yeh, yeh were always ou' and abou' tryin' to solve mysteries and help those who need it. Who are yeh now? Yeh sitting in my house tellin' me that there's no hope in anythin' when yeh know there is.

"Yeh right. Yer not a child anymore but someone who can make a difference. Certainly yeh can't do tha' here. Back then yeh didn' care if yeh bothered another. Yeh wanted to ge' down to business and ask questions. You did that teh me awhile back. Anyways, Lupin and Sirius wouldn' mind if yeh came teh them. Teh be honest, I think yeh can help them... that is if yeh want teh."

[Harry J. Potter]

For somebody who wasn't treating him like a child, he certainly was being treated like a child. He wondered if Hagrid saw that. Here he had hoped that one of his oldest and dearest friends could help him out of his rut with words that weren't so recycled, but he supposed in that, at least, he'd been too hopeful. But then Hagrid began to talk about action. Yes, years ago, Harry would have hopped on the nearest thestral and attempted to go rescue his father himself. Two problem with that: 1) He had no idea where his father was and 2) With Sirius, Remus, AND his mother looking after him, and two-thrids of those people actually working in the castle, him being 'missing' for even ten minutes might set off warning bells.

"What do you suggest?" he asked. "It isn't like you, you know... Usually you're telling me not to go and get myself into trouble. Am I so miserable that you're willing to not only turn a blind eye to my actions, but are actually going to encourage that I do something?"

Then he understood. "Oh... I see. You want me to work with Sirius and Lupin. Okay... Well that changes everything. I can already here them telling me it is out of the question. Sirius would refuse on the spot just because of my mother. Nobody wants me to get involved. Hell, they won't even let me join the damn Order because it's too dangerous. You know... a few years ago, Sirius wouldn't have even batted an eye lash about that. And I'm sure if my dad was around, he'd be proud to let me in... At least my dad didn't treat me like a child."

[Rubeus Hagrid]

Hagrid didn't know what to do. He was stuck. He wanted to help Harry the best he could, but surely that couldn't happen as much as he wanted to. Harry was stuck in his own mind set and Hagrid couldn't get him out of it. Usually he could here and there like a breeze, but now... It was different. It wasn't about himself, it was about someone else that he loved dearly. Hagrid tried to sip more of his coffee but there was none left in his cup. He looked at Harry and realized that he didn't even drink his tea. Surely something like that would calm him down just a tad bit. "Yeh tea is gettin' cold," he said under his breath not sure if he should talk about tea right this minute.

"Yeh know teh many years tha' I told you no, yeh still do? Tha's why I never said no," he paused and quickly thought about his words in general and knew that the next day he's gonna have a talk with Sirius Black. It was going to be hell, but bloody merlin, Hagrid was only speaking from what he knows about Harry. And he didn't want that hope to be thrown away.

"Go on and try. Ask him with a bi' of persuasion. He migh' let yeh in teh help him plan or sumtin'," Hagrid shrugged and placed a hand on Harry's shoulder and looked at him. "Yeh can' lose faith though," he said while giving a heart-warming squeeze.

[Harry J. Potter]

He looked down in his cup. Oh right, tea. He put the rim to his lips and swallowed the unsweetened tea, not caring at all that it wasn't too his liking. He'd learned long ago to just consume whatever Hagrid made without complaint or you ran the risk of hurting his feelings. Smiling, he set it down and said, "It's good Hagrid, but I don't much feel like tea." Well, it was half true. It could have been the best bloody tea in all of England, and Harry still wouldn't have cared for it right now. He just couldn't seem to enjoy things right now. Not when he was sick to his stomach with worry and anxiety. He didn't want tea... He wanted his father back.

"You're right," Harry said with determination. "I do have to do something. I just can't sit around and wait for something to happen." The question was, what was he going to do? How? When? Alone or with his friends? Well, he couldn't very well ask his friends to get involved when he was going to so blatantly challenge the Death Eaters. He did not want more death and injury on his hands.

"Thank you, Hagrid," he said, managing a bit of a smile. "I think I know what I'm going to do."

[Rubeus Hagrid]

Hagrid was glad that Harry was drinking his tea. It only made him feel better that the boy was putting something through his system. Although, Harry was still troubled and it made Hagrid feel as if he wasn't helping him. But then, in an instant, Harry had felt hope and said that he was going to do something and Hagrid was excited. He smiled and looked at Harry. "Tha's great! I'm glad yeh decided teh do sumtin'," he said, and got up from his seat.

"Well wouldya look at teh time. It's almos' curfew. I'll see yeh soon. An' 'Arry, don' ever lose hope, eh?" he said, and walked Harry to the door. By the time he was by himself in his hut, he sat down on his bed and began to think. Harry is goin' teh do sumtin' abou' it... Which is good... I'm glad he finally got hope. He's gonna talk teh Sirius an' Remus... He began to think and stared at Fang for inspiration. Immediately he knew what Harry was going to do. He wasn't going to talk to Sirius or Remus. He was going to do it on his own. Bloody hell... wha' have I done? Hagrid thought to himself and knew he had done something wrong instantly. He only want to pour hope into the kid, not send him out to get killed. Once mornin' hits, imma go talk to Sirius, he thought to himself. Knowing Harry wouldn't go right away to save his father. Knowing him, he would confide in his friends first and think out a plan.